Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
