Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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