Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
