i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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