my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
PANTIES FOUND
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