i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize