I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
