I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
