The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
