if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
