We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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