My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
