Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
