I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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