I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
