New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
