I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
