a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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