I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
