see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
