She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
