When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
