i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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