I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
