While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
