i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
