the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
