Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
