I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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