I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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