my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
