The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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