I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
