You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
P.S. I can't hear my feet
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
