apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it's like iHOP with fire
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
