I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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