guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
