she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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