oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
