bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
