remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
please come you make the beer taste better
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
