I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
