your thong is hanging out like whoa
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
