I wish I could teleport
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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