the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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