Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
