last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize