i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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