After last night, I could never be a politician.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
