Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
