someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
