i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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