so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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