I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
