Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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