I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
