i permit you to call me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
